Is there a Christian Grey lurking in your office?
Everyone’s talking about #FiftyShadesofGrey and its eponymous lead, Christian Grey. But could your office have its own secret kinks? We’ve looked up some real-life fetishes and imagined how they might stay hidden from colleagues, while still lighting someone’s private passions.
Do you like it dirty?
Don’t be too quick to clean that grimy kitchen – you might have a colleague that likes being surrounded by muck and mess…
‘Lana, would you mind?’ The boss gestured to the tipped over bag of rubbish in the kitchen, then waved in the direction of the grimy microwave and finally nodded at the soggy cardboard boxes at the entrance to the office.
Nobody could understand why Lana – the elegant head of HR – insisted they didn’t hire cleaners, but no one argued. Each day the office was cleaned and the money the company saved paid for the Christmas party.
She snapped on some rubber gloves, pulled back her hair, picked up her grey dustpan and brush and sighed – a deep, languorous, sigh of anticipation.
It feels good to flick that switch
Most workplaces are full of devices that buzz, whirr and ping. That’s why offices are fantastic playgrounds for people that get turned on by machines.
Craig really loved the office’s comb binding machine. Its dark grey look, offset by light grey switches and the satisfying, oh so satisfying, mechanical clunks and clicks when he bound documents. He couldn’t understand why other people didn’t want to use it; then again, he didn’t quite know why he liked it so much.
Craig even stayed late after work, just to finish off other people’s binding projects. Just him and the machine, together in the darkness.
They’re so big. And green.
Surrounded by colleagues with a penchant for screensavers of wooded glades? It could be a sign of a secret hankering for trees.
‘Have you noticed how Susan has been ordering more grey parchment paper?’ ‘Yes, I went to ask her a question the other day and almost didn’t see her behind it all piled on her desk.’
As they spoke, Susan tottered by carrying yet more paper. Barely 5′ high in heels, she was a slip of a young woman but incredibly strong; that’s what lifting reams all day will do to you.
Forced to work in a concrete tomb of a tower block, she couldn’t be near any real trees. But as someone once told her, paper was just wood wearing a different suit. And who didn’t find suits sexy?
Oh, that’s awful. You’re going to miss that deadline
If your office is prone to repeated disasters, beware. One of your teammates might get kick out of setting them up and enjoying your panic.
Everyone in the office had started to notice: Josh always seemed a little too happy when things went wrong. Perhaps the office projector stopped working right before clients were due for a presentation, or the meeting room door jammed with the boss still inside.
No matter how bad the disaster or office emergency, a thin smile crept across Josh’s bloodless lips. Today, he was savouring every moment that the young receptionist struggled to work the building’s new grey printer – he had made sure to sabotage it before hand, of course. Time for the show.
A dangerous addiction
Know anyone that’s almost fatally clumsy – bending over the office shredder while wearing an extra long tie or guillotining documents in sunglasses? Maybe they get a special tingle out of being in danger.
‘I’ll fix it!’ Graham beamed. He’d noticed the ceiling light at the top of the office staircase, the very steep and long staircase, had been flickering for a few days. He knew it would blow soon and waited patiently for that moment.
Anyone else in the office would have climbed a ladder to change the bulb, but Graham chose to use his new chair – the comfortable one with the grey upholstery and the very slippy castors. (A gentle push and it would scoot across a room.)
If anyone had been brave enough to look, they would have noticed his breathing starting to quicken. Gingerly, he placed one foot on the seat, took a moment to glance down the staircase and began stand up…
Do you think your co-workers have any secret fetishes? What do you imagine they might be? Then again, if you’ve noticed any, it’s probably best to keep to them to yourself. Unless you like getting in trouble with the boss, of course.