You got mail…

“Back in the day” when I was just a fledgling Eurofficer, before our trusty cherry made its début, I was given the responsible (yet rather tedious) task of opening the company mail. As any small business can vouch for, we get a lot of it: invoices, cheques and correspondence from manufacturers.

Envelopes arrived in all different shapes and sizes, from long and skinny to tall and wide (or DL to C5 for those of you in the know!) and yours truly had to open and sort through every last one. It took hours.

After a few weeks, I had a numb brain and perpetually cut fingers –- I was Band-Aid’s number one customer. Feeling sympathy in my plight, a colleague soon approached me offering an ease to my pain and suffering. I was intrigued to say the least. However, to my surprise, they gave me what can only be described as a sword; one just big enough for a battle-hungry ferret.

“Thanks,” I said, rather bewildered, “but I’m not sure suicide is quite the best option just yet.” After a brief explanation, I discovered that this weapon would ease my woes and help me open mail without destroying my model-like hands, as well as taking less time. I had myself a letter opener. Result.

It wasn’t long before my pint-sized Excalibur sparked something in my head: “Sure, this is great,” I pondered, “but there must be something better…” and lo and behold there was. Soon enough, I was entering the world of the Electronic Letter Opener – The Intimus Premier Electronic Letter Opener to be precise. The future had arrived!

OK, so the boss took a little bit of convincing, but when it arrived even he was impressed. This beast could open up to 7000 letters in an hour! All I needed to do was keep an eye out for the rare occasion that it got jammed, and keep feeding our mountains of mail into my new hi-tech gizmo. This gave me a lot more time to get on with my day-to-day office tasks and, more importantly, search the Internet for to see if something could better this letter-opening monster.  Boy did I find it; check out this master at work:

So it’s not 7000 letters an hour, but I was still impressed. Once again, I made a few enquiries to those upstairs but it soon transpired that it was cheaper to keep me on. Needless to say, I’ve progressed a bit from my time opening the mail, occasionally I’m even allowed to speak to the odd customer. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any videos of rabbits working in customer service…yet.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *